Alternative Transportation

Ivan needs sleep. But since that's not gonna happen, let's crack open his head, pour out some of the dream matter, and play in the goo--it's for fun¹.

Stuck in traffic on the way to work the other day I lapsed into fantasy. Not the kind where beautiful women instinctively flock to me like the salmon of Capistrano²... ewe. (Sorry honey, I love you... uh, you, complete me³.) No, rather the kind where you fantasize about beaming into work, or better still the local Starbucks. Though a nerd I am, even I don't linger in the fantasy of matter and energy being interchangeable for purposes of saving money on a scene involving the ground, a spaceship, actors, and witty dialog to sew it all together. "Never surrender, ...to infinity!"⁴ Ugh, this incorrect reference thing is getting out of hand, how now to put down Frankenstein's monster? On an up note, computers will never be able to take over the world⁵ as long as incorrect references permeate human discourse, they are just too damn confusing! But I digress from my digress...ion.

So, stuck in traffic, not fantasizing about women, not fantasizing about a Star Trek style transporter, I was fantasizing about alternatives to my car, and more importantly to being stuck in a metal clad sea of humanity probably entertaining final solutions of their own... sorry, that's a terrible reference.

For a moment I was considering flying alternatives. Since I disdain anyone that can fuel a private jet--and actually does, a plane is out. Besides, as a minion serving capitalist dogs, I don't have property holdings with sufficient expanse to accommodate the technologies available to those bloodsuckers anyway, perhaps the term "runway" is more familiar to those less-jaded amongst us.

That could leave vertical take-off as an option. However, the energy expenditure required for vertical take-off craft of today is wholly unacceptable in my mind. Besides, all the governmental beauracracy I'd have to endur, and more importantly pay, and perhaps pay under the table as well completely defeats my objective to "do good". What kind of hypocrit dreams of the destruction of poor efficiancy systems when they are subsidizing one?, I'd have to be some kind of er, hypocrit.

That might still leave lighter than air vertical take-off. I realize however that I don't understand the calculations necessary to create a container for such an effort. Further, ascend and descend functions would probably require the onboard creation of lighter than air, um, stuff. And the expulsion of said stuff into the ecosystem, which may have unacceptable repurcussions as well.

Further, since the atmosphere is unpredictable (at least to the mind of a computer programmer stuck in traffic not fantasizing about women) there remain the problems of generating and controlling lateral movement, not getting blown off-course to Siberia by the prevailing winds, not getting crashed into by other air traffic, not banging into powerlines or mini tributes to the tower of babel, and of course not getting struck by lightning or pooped on by birds or meteors. An overwhelming array of villians to be sure.

This is the point at which I began considering a story circulated through the ranks of those of a certain "christian" persuasion that raised me ...after the wolves gave up. Since I'm a devout skeptic, I hardly offer these as scientific principa-do-hickees, but as long as I've mentioned the Star Trek transporter system I figure fantasy isn't off the table (ouch that's gonna hurt in the morning).

I've heard it expressed that *gulp* angels, or whatever you want to call "them"--aliens, figments of an over active imagination, or a desperate need for life beyond the cruel finality of death; or simply what I'll call them, a hypothetical variable named "N".

As I was saying, I've heard it expressed that "N" travels on a beam of light. Oy vey. Yet, the idea is interesting. As a student of well something--science, science fiction, Harvard, monkey island, whatever ...it seems that there is a serious problem we humans have to overcome. If we're going to branch out into the universe (ugh, as long as I'm going off the deep end I might as well pick up a loaf of bread on my way down) we need to be able to move faster. Or perhaps smarter--if you buy into the worm hole idea⁷.

Since there's no basis in fact for how one might do this, it's basically as easily dismissed as the matter-to-energy transporter, but let's face it... we need some movement along one of these lines if we're ever going to achieve the break-through that must come if we're going to solve this problem. And if getting me to the office with a savings of fifteen minutes is a side effect then sign me up!

At this point, I managed to sneak out onto the off ramp. Left with the idea that creating a dirigible is probably just a problematic as the airplane scenario.

It seems a desirable solution would have these properties:

1. No or at least low reliance on existing infrastructures--particularly roads. And, I'll throw in petroleum here as well.

2. Feasible given current technology. This however may be a critical flaw... too often I think we allow the internal pragmatist to guide us in to compromise to accommodate not pushing ourselves to invent new--radically divergent innovations. (Perhaps I've just developed an allergy to my own medicine--at work I favor leveraging existing code, extending existing/mature process and technology, and routinely prescribe ringing out additional droplets from current products and marketing offers. But hey, this is about not sleeping and fantasizing about alternative transportation methodologies, so screw guilt!)

3. Less expensive.

4. Convenient.

5. Sustainable.

6. Non-destructive. (I guess that means the internal combustion engine might be off the table.)


And now that I've basically gone nowhere... until my next insomniatic episode, (or acid trip), peace out.

---

And the references...

1. "It's for fun" -Strong Bad, Home star runner

2. Dumb and Dumber

3. Jerry McGuire

4. An amalgamation. A concept from Star Trek--and the real-world reason for it's "invention" (saving money on what would have been a campy Flash Gordon-like scene involving wires or perhaps poor matte work assuming that was even available at the time). Star Wars--Episode III (the disdain toward poor dialog--among other factors--ruining what might otherwise have been the Tristan and Isolde of science fiction). A nod to Galaxy Quest for it's brilliant turning-inside-out of the behind-the-scenes of Star Trek. And, Toy Story... I've been in a Tim Allen kick recently, he's delightful⁶.

5. A convoluted reference to the idea behind the Matrix, as I understand it.

6. (Doh, a reference in a reference.) "He's delightful" is a reference Bart Simpson makes to Billy Crystal regarding his hosting of the Emmy's or some meaningless awards show where a bunch of monkeys pretend they belong to our species.

7. Uh, the worm hole idea as I understand it is: Instead of going faster, you go shorter... Dune's concept of interplanetary travel is my favorite example currently which is basically that you consider point A, and point B--and then you make the space between them go to zero. Voila, "there you are"⁸.

8. (Another reference in a reference.) A shortening of the quote "Just remember, where ever you go, there you are." attributed to Buckaroo Banzai.